Things you shouldn't say to an adoptive mom and Things that are Great about Adopting

Ok, so if you have spent more than 1.5 seconds with me in the last 5 months, you know my new favorite subject is adoption. Ask me just one question about how it’s going and I will no doubt bore you to sleep with my incessant ramblings regarding paperwork, statistics, myths, ect. I have learned to change the subject when I see my victim nodding off.
If I do happen to make you engage in the topic of adoption, I have some suggestions/warnings on what us adoptive parents would rather you not say. It’s ok for fellow adoptive parents to joke about some of these, but not anyone else. So here goes:

Things You Shouldn't Say To Someone Adopting, For Fear of a Sarcastic comment and my famous eye-roll (and voo-doo hexes)

1. What a lucky baby. Think of the life you are saving. (actually, she will be saving our lives)
2. Aren't you afraid you won't love her like your own? (haven’t had this yet, but people, dumb people, will think it, so don’t)
3. How much will she cost? (to which I now reply “how many times a day do you pee? Oh, thought we were asking personal questions here”)
4. Why didn't you adopt from the US? There are so many needy babies here. (Yes, and fresh out of jail mom or baby daddy can come back and take them in a few years-no thanks! For a less sarcastic answer please see my entry on FAQ regarding Chinese Adoptions).
5. Oh, that's so trendy right now! I want a Chinese baby too! (Yeah, and I am going to get a pair of knee warmers to match-those should be back in style by the time we travel to China).
6. She’ll be so _______ (fill in your own stereotypical sentiment here: smart, good natured, ect).
7. Well, now you're probably going to get pregnant!(yeah, see my previous entry…)
8. You are doing it the easy way! (let’s see…18-24 month wait vs. 9 months, background checks, dealing with INS, stacks and stacks of paperwork, it not seeming real…ect, ect, ect)

Ok, to balance out my negativity, I have to add my plus’s:

Things That Are Really Great About Adopting, And We Are Only Just Starting the Process

1. You only have the baby when you are ready…no “oops” babies. There is no mistake that this baby was planned.
2. If you are in a committed relationship, that relationship gets very, very strong. And after we “have” her, we don’t have to wait 6 weeks to…you know (although the 3 week trip to China will no doubt be more exhausting than labor).
3. You have the wonderful opportunity to embrace your child's heritage and make it part of your lives. (Now I get to celebrate TWO New Years, plus Harvest Moon Festival and Lantern Festival. How cool is that?)
4. Adoption can get pretty romantic. Each milestone will be celebrated with good dinner and good wine (David hasn’t received the memo-especially since we haven’t hit any major milestones yet)--paperwork completed, dossier sent, logged in, approved. And wait till we get to the phone call that gives us our daughter. I think a trip to the Breaker’s will be in order.
5. You become a more sensitive, more aware, better person. You expand your traditional definition of what family is/should be.
6. Nobody ever doubts that you are ready to be parents, or that you want to be a parent.
7. Adoptive families of Chinese Children (FCC) have a fiercely strong network. We have met some very wonderful people and go to very cool festivals and events with them.
8. The money you save on maternity wear and prenatal vitamins can be used for more baby clothes and great shoes(for mom).
9. The anticipation for referral is devastating but hey--the payoff is gonna be so freaking great. The day we get Amelie’s referral picture and packet of info will, no doubt, take the roof off of our world. And that’s a good thing.
10. It will be incredible to get to visit another country and meet Amelie in a room full of people all becoming families at the same time. And our families will be friends forever and the girls as close as sisters. Can’t say that about people in the delivery room.

Small small small bonus: I can still have my hair highlighted and eat sushi.

My over-sensitivity again??

Yup, it was bound to happen.

For every three people that know that we are adopting, at least one has a “crystal ball” telling us we will get pregnant. It doesn’t matter when I tell them "no, that's just an old wives tale," or "no, we have sleepy eggs and two headed sperm". These well meaning individuals persist, because their sister’s boyfriend’s cousin’s aunt’s hairdresser lives next to a guy whose niece’s best friend got pregnant after they adopted, that this too will happen to us, that we will “have one on our own”. Now again, I know these people are not trying to be malicious, but they must understand, that by adopting we are having one on our own! I am really worried that some dummy will say something like that when we have Amelie with us. Like she is not a real kid, just a make-believe one.
Why are these people so desperate for me to realize that now that I am adopting, a biological child is just around the corner? Which by the way is the way to state it-biological child, not “child of your own”. Write it down. I don't know what to say anymore. I know these people are trying, in their own befuddled, bumbling way, to make me feel better. Good friends, relatives, everyone has an adoption-to-pregnancy story they want to tell me. If it happens, good for us, if not, good for us. David is nearly as sensitive to this as I am. Guess I am being “over-sensitive again”. You kinda get that way after two years the infertility process.

What about, "oh, you're adopting? Good for you! That's incredible. I'm so happy to hear it." Not this wink, this "it's okay, you still have an out" feel good stuff.
For the past three years, I've been wishing on everything--stars, birthday cakes, other people's birthday cakes, bits of dust collected from my belly button--to get pregnant. Now I wish for an easy, stress-free adoption.
I wonder: if by some screwed up chance I do get pregnant--will anyone say to me, "you know, you can still adopt!" Will anyone tell me "success" stories of women who got pregnant and then adopted successfully?

Happy 7th anniversary of your 29th birthday love!!!

David turned the big 3-6 this Friday! Thank you to Ronnie for letting us use her living room for salsa and disco lessons and sorry for the inch of Colombian Aguardiente(literally translated:firewater) stuck to her floor the next day. He certainly rang in this year with a bang! Hopefully, prayerfully, your 37th we'll be in or packing for China(we'll have to just bring a flask of the Aguardiente). I do look better in your birthday tiara, thanks for letting me steal it all night. Love you!

Made you laugh, now I'll make you cry!

Until Forever

This morning in China a mother cries
She’ll never forget her daughter’s eyes
Her heart is broken and filled with pain
The tears run down like the falling rain.
She has no choice but to leave her there
The cost of keeping is too much to bear
She hopes her daughter will one day know
True love can be found in letting her go.

This morning in China a baby cries
Hungry and scared as tears fill her eyes
Her mother has left her in this public place
Another lost daughter of the Chinese race.
Someone passing by has heard her soft moan
She’s soon quickly taken to a foster home
It’s here she’ll reside in the care of another
Until she’s adopted by a brand new mother.

That very same moment, in the U.S.A.
A woman cries as she starts to pray
Her heart is heavy but filled with much love
She prays for a daughter she thinks the world of.
“Dear Jesus I ask that your arms would be
Wrapped tightly around the one picked for me
Guard her in China ‘till I make my way
And then in my arms forever she’ll stay.”

Tom Fisher
December 24, 2003

FAQ regarding China Adoptions

Inquiring minds want to know:

Q: Why are there so many children in orphanages in China?

A: A few decades ago, China experienced a huge population growth without nearly as much growth in their food production. The Chinese government developed strick population control regulations which limited the number of children each family may have. This has come to be known as the 'one child' policy; however, in many provinces in China it would be more realistic to call it the 'one boy or two children' policy. There are stiff fines and penalties imposed on families who do not follow this policy.

In 1992, the Chinese government passed a law ratifying international adoption. China adoption is noteworthy for its orderly adoption process—all aspects of adoption cost and timing are governed by Chinese Center for Adoptive Affairs(or CCAA). No private adoptions in China are permitted.

The average age of a child adopted from China is 11 months. The majority of children from China are girls, made available for adoption because of China’s population control policies. Babies are typically left in public places, at a police or train station, suggesting that the birthparents wanted them to be found and cared for. Many adoptive parents see this as evidence of the birthparents’ love for their baby.

One child adopted from China was found with a note that said: "In our countryside the thought that man is more important than woman is very popular. I myself don’t have the strength to overthrow it."



Q: Why are so many girls abandoned?

A: Because of culture and tradition, male children are often perceived as having more value than female children. Traditionally it is the responsibility of the male child to care for his parents when they are no longer able to work, while the female child would marry into another family and care for them. Because of the strong cultural preference for sons, and the government-imposed limitation on the number of children each couple may have, female children make up nearly 95% of the occupants of Chinese orphanages.


If a couples first child is a boy, they will usually keep him. If the couples first or second child is a girl or a child with some disability or abnormality, that child may be abandoned.

Q: Why adopt from China and not the US?

A: The main answer is-that is where God is leading us! When I was in my teens I had the idea in my head that I would one day have a little raven haired beauty from China. Once we found it would be very difficult to have children on our own, the answer was easy!

The other reason- Adopting through the foster care system in the U.S. can be a long, agonizing process(3-5 years as oppossed to just over a year), as the main goal of foster care is to reunite children with their parents. Children in Chinese orphanages are without parents, and unless they are adopted will remain institutionalized until they reach young adulthood. They may then take a job working in the orphanage, or leave to make their way on their own.

Q: How long does it take to adopt from China?

A: There are so many factors that go into the process, which involves many individuals, several government branches, agencies and two world powers. Even averages are hard to give as the process can change and issues such as SARS can dramatically change things. However, recently the China Center for Adoption Affairs has committed themselves to increasing the speed with which referrals are made. So to give you a guesstimate at the length of the process we'd say anywhere between 14 months to 18 months from initial application to having your child in your arms.

Q: Do you have to travel to China?

A: Yes! China requires for the parent(s) to travel to China. The trip is normally between 12 and 14 days in length, with a week in the child's home province. At this time there is plenty of paperwork to fill out, and lots of bonding to do with your child. Then you travel to Guangzhou, where the US Consulate is located. Here your child is given a quick physical, their papers are looked at and they are given a visa to enter the US. Most people travel in a group of about 20. Our agency, CCAI, has a bilingual staff member who travels with the group and will take care of everything for us!

Q: When is the adoption final?

A: When you adopt from China, the adoption is completed in the child's province. In domestic adoptions and some international adoptions there is a period where the child is at risk - a time when the child is placed with you but the adoption has not been finalized. When adopting from China this is not the case.

Q: When does the child become a US Citizen?

A: The minute they touch US soil. Thanks to some new laws and regulations, children (those under the age of 18) who enter this country with their legal guardians immediately become United States Citizens. We also plan to readopt in the United States.

There is an amazing book called The Lost Daughters of China by Karin Evans if you want to learn even more!

Adoption Timeframe

This post is going out there for two types of people-those who are curious about what is involved in the whole adoption process -and- those who have insinuated that adoption is easier than being pregnant(physically, perhaps, although I have felt nauseous during the INS part of this the process). As you can see, David and I should be earning at the least a Master's degree in "adoption paperchasing". Every piece of paper (there are at least 30 of them)goes through a three step process. See my timeline for a list of the documents we had to obtain for our dossier. First, the documents need to be notarized. Then, they need to go to the secretary of state to get a certification stamp certifying the notary is a true notary-sounds easy enough but our documents had to be certified in Maryland, Washington DC, Florida and Colombia(the country) since that is where they came from. After those have their stamps on them, they have to be "authenticated", meaning the Chinese Consulate in either Houston, DC or Colombia dependng on where it was certified, had to authenticate the certification. Sound confusing? Um, yeah. Throw in the fact that poor David had to travel to South America to track down his birth certificate, and then we had to have it translated, well...a few anxiety attacks ensued.

We actually found that for a few hundred bucks, you can hire someone to do all of your legwork certifying and authenticating. I don't know why everyone doesn't do this, but it was well worth it to us!

Oh, one top of all the paperwork, we had to have a homestudy, meaning a social worker had to come to our home and make sure we were fit parents. I was a nervous wreck about this, but our social worker asked if she could check a basketball score halfway through the interview, I knew she liked us. Her team was losing and David said "Please-don't take it out on us!". We had a meeting at her house with a few other adoptive families to talk about attachment disorder, traveling, ect, ect. We did have to write a 12-15 page autobigraphy each. As you tell, I am no Hemingway, and my life is not that interesting! Luckily, we had a basic outline and we used triple spacing and large font! Kinda like being in college, always trying to cheat the system!

I think the hardest part of this whole process was finding 12 pictures of us with other people and get this-no pets, no tank tops, no sunglasses and uh-oh-no alcohol. Hellooooo...I live in Florida, therefore I live in tanktops and shorts, and I take pictures with other people where? Weddings, parties, bbq's, vacations, places where the beer and margaritas flow! Our friends suggested photo-editing some of the beers and making them baby bottles. We can critically close to doing that!

Ok, so now that you know everything about the roller-coaster process that is international adoption-here is our timeframe thus far:

June-Sept 2005: Attending several agency seminars who dealt strictly with China adoptions
Sept 08, 2005: Held our first adoption fundraiser garage sale with the wonderful help from family, friends and our church. Made $1000!!!! Thanks everyone!
Mid Sept 2005: Narrowed it down to our agency-CCAI-Chinese Childrens Adoption Agency. They have been amazing!
September 23, 2005: Received CCAI application packet
Late September 2005: Ordered and received marraige certificates and Kristen's birth certicate
Sept 29 2005: Spent all day at the sheriff's office, then the local police stations and finally the courthouse trying to get our hands on a "local police clearance report" the agency needed with the application. Looking back, this long day gave us a glimpse of what the next 6 months of paperchasing would be like.
Sept 30 2005: Sent application with $150 fee(alot of people are asking what this process costs, so I am laying it on the line).
Oct 03 2005: Recevied call from CCAI-application accepted(wheeeeeee!)
Oct 08 2005: Second garage sale-raised another $1100!
Oct 10 2005: Sent agency first of two agency fees($1950)
Oct 11 2005: Noticed on marriage certificate Kristens DOB stated 1963 instead of 1973. Went to Delray Courthouse to fix(this would take 6 weeks to fix one tiny little typo)
Oct 21 2005: Agency recieves all character references from our wonderful friends who were "voluntereed" to do this for us-we only had to bribe them with a hundred bucks each-ha, ha!
Oct 21 2005: David Dr Appt-CCAI needs proof of good bill of health, blood tests, urine test, ect
Nov 3 2005: Sent Kristens birth cert to Maryland to be "certified"
Nov 8 2005: Kristen's Dr appt(new doctor has an adopted child from US, he told me I was wrong to adopt from China, I was tempted to kick his stethoscope up his rear)
Nov 9 2005: Rcv'd K's certified BC from Maryland
Nov 16 2005: Sent Pre-Home study packet to CCAI($1200)-to be matched with a social worker
Nov 17 2005: Sent I600A(application for foreign adoption) to the INS-now called the USCIS. Whoever they are this week, they are keeping our paperwork hostage! This was another $795
Nov 20 2005: David travels to Colombia to obtain his BC
Nov 28 2005: Resent I600A back to INS aka BCIS aka USCIS because the fee increased the week before we sent it in and had no way of knowing that
Dec 03 2005: First Homestudy appt-she likes us! Musta been that tequila we fed her...
Dec 05 2005: Decided to hire a Dossier planner
Dec 07 2005: all of our documents are sent to my Godsend Pam at ABC Dossier International
Dec 06 2005: CCAI calls to tell me that the name on Kristens last name on her passport must match all of the other documents (I have my maiden name on some docs, hyphenated name on some, and Dave's last name on others). Pour through documents, see what has to be redone. Sent passport off for name change($160)-this will take 4 weeks.
Dec 12 2005: second homestudy meeting at social workers home. It was kinda fun, met another great couple-Ana and Ron-who we have hung out with several times.
Dec 14 2005: Fingerprinting appt at INS. Went to breakfast to celebrate.
Dec 22 2005: Homestudy is complete
Jan 09 2006: Pam(dossier angel) calls to tell me all docs have been certified
Jan 10 2006: Due to holidays, home study is delayed, finally received by agency for review
Jan 11 2006: CCAI sends homestudy to INS(this could take up to 17 weeks to get back, which is not ok by us and we have put in calls and letters to congressman Clay Shaw to assist us in expediting our INS paperwork-they actually called me back and are hounding the INS for me!)
Feb 08 2006: Pam calls and tells me all docs are authenticated.
Feb 09 2006: Dossier, with the exception of our 171H(our approval from the INS) is sent to our agency.

Tune in!
Updated--
March 17 2006: Received 171H!
March 21 2006: 171H is certified
March 27 2006: 171H is authenticated
March 28 2006: CCAI received 171H-now has complete dossier-hope to be DTC by April 14th!

Need a laugh?

You have to check out this video. I had tears running down my face when I watched this!

Happy Chinese New Year--Year of the Dog

Happy New Years-Chinese style! It looks like our little angel will be born under the Year of the Dog! David is also the Year of the Dog. What does that mean for me? The two people closest to me in my life will be wonderful, logical, stubborn, friendly, funny and loyal people! Read here and find out about your sign too. I'm an Ox-in case you are wondering!

Dog (1922,1934,1946,1958,1970,1982,1994,2006)

Dogs are honest,straightforward,and friendly(Dave-friendly-nah!). They are extremely protective of themselves and their loved ones. With a passion for fair play and justice, they never fail to rescue you time after time. They may rant and rave, but they never rest until they right the wrong. They are true humanitarians and suffer with the world.In spite of their concern for others,social graces and fancy parties do not impress them. Having sharp eyes, they will see through people's motives. They are quite private about their personal lives and someone prying into their affairs make them secretive and withdrawn. Once you gain their confidence, they open up freely(or feed him some martinis). Once Dogs classify you, they rarely change their minds. There are few in-betweens. Dogs perceive things either in black or white. You are either friend or enemy. Luckily, they are good judges of character and have superb insight into human nature. Dogs are tolerant of their friends. Before they approve of you, the friendship must develop slowly with a variety of meetings and conversations. If they look you over and decide they can trust you, you remain in their hearts forever. If you need them, Dogs will be there. When the time is right, Dogs work long and hard, but they know how to relax, and enjoy their home and loved ones. The Dogs have playful moods and a great sense of humor. They have quick emotions and if you offend them, they will snarl and insult you with expertise(yo mamma so ugly...). They forgive with the same speed. Dogs are intelligent and well-balanced. With their stable minds, they make good counselors or psychologists. They endure during any crisis situation. They are trustworthy people and know how to keep a secret. Most Dogs have a comfortable home and do well.Dogs always defend what is theirs and have a high sense of value. Home and family come first,and Dogs will work to see that they have the best!

Our first sonogram

I thought you all would like to see a picture of our sonogram...no wonder I can't lose weight! We are not officially "paper-pregnant" until our INS gives our agency the thumbs up(which won't be for another 12+weeks-arghhhh), but I had to post this!