Over the last 5 years we have been attending Families with Chinese Children waiting meetings. As a social worker for my adoption agency it is twice as important that I learn as much as I can about attachment and bonding with Internationally Adopted children. There have been attachment therapists who have provided us waiting parents some great advice on dealing with attachment. Alot of this I have heard before, but it doesn't hurt to hear it over and over again. For instance, as much as we want our family and friends to be able to hold and hug and kiss on the Cherry Blossom baby, this is a huge no no. The biggest piece of advice she could give is don't take any advice from people who only are parents to bio kids. How you raise bio kids and adopted kids is a 180 degree difference. I am already getting the deer in the headlight look when I tell friends and family that the Empress will be sleeping either in our bed or in our room for at least the first year. This goes against everything a bio child should do. Strollers are strongly advised against (though it isn't stopping me from registering for the Maclaren Kate Spade stroller I have been drooling over), they want her to be carried in a snuggli/carrier for as long as possible. No trips or vacations for the first year either, unless it's a quiet trip to see family and even then the babe needs to be within eyesight 100% of the time. Another must: limit stimulation-have very little toys around and keep the nursery-if you have one as she will be in our room-in minimalist style. Use red if you can, because that is the one color that is everywhere in China. Well, taupe and coral will have to do, though I will try to limit the amount of stimulation in her room. The most interesting thing she should have is us.
Why all of these crazy rules you say? The first year she is home, we must recreate for her what the first year would have been like if she was born to us. She needs to become totally dependent on us. Even if she is 18 months when she comes home and can feed herself, we can't let her. I know alot of people looking outside in will think us FCC parents are over protective, too uptight, somewhat nutso, but these things must be done in order to have a healthy toddler and a healthy adult later on. The thinking is she must go through all of her stages, even when we have to start at stage one.Some other interesting advice the therapist gave us:- Practice alot of eye contact, usiing mirrors if she won't look directly at you. Learn a few words in Chinese. While we are in China, she'll still have some familiar smells, tastes, ect...but once we get home, everything will be unfamiliar. Kinda like taking someone from Amish country and bringing them to Vegas by themselves. It would probably be frighteneing. If we speak some Chinese to her, she'll have something familiar to her. Exchange something of value for something the nanny or fostermom wore, so that she has that familiar scent around her. Buy a Chinese lullaby cd to play at night. When you hold her to rock her to sleep, cradle her in your arms so she can have that eye contact. Tell her that she had a story before she came in her forever home, she wasn't just adopted, she was born. On Mother's day, light a candle for fer birth mother. This will help deal with the grief she will always have.
1 comment:
That's all good advice but be prepared to throw it out the door.
We adopted our 16 month old son from China. He didn't want to be rocked caused major crying issues. Like to be held over the shoulder. It took over a year for him to be wanted to be rocked like a baby. The only time he wanted to be held in a rocking position was when fed.
He didn't want to be fed. Again another source of crying. He had to hold the bottle. We both held the bottle eventually he let go.
Congrats on being so close.
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