Before getting “pregnant”:
P: 10 minutes of Foreplay
PP: 6 months of insurmountable paperwork
Winner: Pregnancy
Fat Feet:
P: Swollen Ankles from water retention
PP: Swollen Ankles from running up and down the Couthouse and the USCIS’stairs
Winner: Tie
The Bulge:
P: Growing belly due to the growing “weight” o the bay
PP: Growing belly due to the growing “wait” of the baby-because all the pints of “Chunky Monkey” ice cream consumed after reading bad referral rumors
Winner: Pregnancy-at least 20 pounds will automatically be dropped on the “BIG DAY”
New Threads:
P: Lots of cute new maternity clothes that you have to wear for only a few months.
PP: For each month the CCAA tacks on to the wait, your dress size increases by two, again due to Chunky Monkey.
Winner: Pregnancy-see the Bulge
W(h)ine:
P: No alcohol for 9 months.
PP: Each month added to the wait by the CCAA turns you one step closer to having to join a 12 step program. Except I believe recovery is for quitters, and I am no quitter! Ha!
Winner: Paper Pregnancy
Bring on the Chunky Monkey and Pickles please:
P: Your dear husband will gladly go to Publix at midnight to make you happy.
PP: Your lazy husband says “Go get your own damn Three Blind Moose Chardonnay and Chunky Monkey”
Winner: That’s obvious
“Sick” day:
P: Can take days off for dr appts and fake some sick days.
PP: Fat chance
Winner: Pregnancy
Nice to Meet you:
P: 9 months till “metcha” day
PP: 18-24 months plus plus plus plus till “metcha days”
Winner: Um, pregnancy
Labor Pains:
P: Give or take 24 hours of Labor Pain, eased by meds, laying in bed.
PP: 24 hours of flying, switching planes 4 times, attempting sleep with Tylenol PM
Winner: Paper Pregnancy by a slim margin
Friendly strangers:
P: Conversation w/ clerk at Babies-R-Us: “Oh congrats, how far along are you?”
PP: Conversation w/ clerk at Babies-R-Us: “Thank you, come again”, me: “Thank you, by the way, I am expecting too!” You try to work your excitement into any conversation!
Winner: Pregnancy
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