Red Thread

"The Red Thread" is a symbolic saying very popular among families adopting from China. The Red Thread is an old Chinese saying that means when babies are born they are already connected to the important people in his/her life by a red thread. This thread can be twisted or stretched, but notbroken.

How the Matching Room Works

As stolen from RQ:

First, they review the baby dossiers and make sure there are no issues with them. We are told that they then count up all of the baby dossiers that are eligible for matching that month and then look to see how far this stack will go in the parent dossiers without sending out a partial day, and they pull all of those parent files. That is the likely cut-off date. Sometimes something happens and they don’t get this far. Sometimes something happens and they get farther.
Next they match orphanages up with agencies. This orphanage has six babies, this agency has six families. These two orphanages are in the same province and have a total of 12 babies, this agency has 12 families. When they are through with this is when (I believe) some agencies start to get information about the cut-off date. Or at least it is when they used to start getting information.

And then they start matching individual babies to individual families. At some point during this part of the process most agencies used to hear from their person in the matching room to let them know how many referrals they will be receiving and from what province(s). Some agencies shared this information with their clients. Some chose not to. Recently I’ve gotten the feeling that many agencies are still getting this information but they are being given orders by the CCAA to not share this information with the families.

Just as in the review room, each matcher is assigned certain agencies and is responsible for communicating with their agencies. Some matchers tell their agency the cut-off date, some matchers tell their agency “you have X number of referrals arriving”, some matchers give their agency a list of that agency’s families that will be receiving a referral. And some matchers don’t say anything at all to their agencies.

The next question that comes up is generally how the matchers match families and babies. I’ve heard from several people who have had the opportunity to speak with someone who works in the matching room. The various conversations seem to all agree that they first look for something that stands out: a matching birthday, a baby who looks a lot like a parent, or a baby who likes music and a parent who teaches music. Several matching people have stated they match by bone structure of the baby’s face and the parent’s faces (this is why they need our passport photos, so they can compare our mug shot with the baby’s mug shot). Some have stated that they used Chinese astrology, also. Once they’ve matched the obvious matches they then start to look at things like age of child requested. The age requested is not a priority for them, they feel they are matching families and not filling orders.

We are being matched!

Ok, breathe, breathe, breathe......I know I have been bad about posting but there hasn't been much interesting going on with the wait until now. The CCAA is matching right now. Matching our child to our file. And then in a few short days...I hope...they will wrap up all the files for this batch and send them on a FedEx plane to the adoption agencies all over the world. And then we will get "the call". Let's just say my production level at work ain't all that great. I can't do anything but think about my kid!

This picture is of the matching room over in China. All the colored files are for a different agency. I wonder what color CCAI is? Ah...who cares....I want to see what is in the file!

Honey Do List

I haven't been around much, as I have been working like mad, dancing like crazy, crossing things off my never ending list of refile documents and even snuck away for a day and a half to the Keys. Keep your fingers crossed for a May referral, so my entries can get interesting again!

China's One Child Policy....

It's interesting to me that some people have the concept in their heads that China's one child policy simply means that the Chinese prefer boys and "throw their girls away". I get this comment so many times and it makes me shake my head. But I can't blame people. I didn't even get it until I read "Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son". It's not simply a matter “preferring to have a boy.” It’s so much more complex than that. Without a son, parents won’t have anyone to take care of them when they are too old to work. In China, when daughters marry, they go to the husband’s family where they are then expected to care for the husband’s aging parents. You have to understand the whole culture, in order to make sense of the situation. Parents don’t prefer to abandon their daughters. It breaks their hearts. Often, the mother doesn’t have a choice-- the baby may be taken from her as soon as she is born; the mother feels the pain of labor, hears the baby cry, hears the announcement that the baby is female, and then never sees the child again. Often another family member will clothe the baby, write a loving note with vital information, and take the baby to an orphanage or market place in secret. I also read in "Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son", that many of the girls who are abandoned or given up have an older biological sister still living with her biological parents. I know in my heart that my daughter was born last fall and was given up many months ago. I also know that somewhere across the world, there’s a woman who grieves every day for having lost her daughter. I feel a strong responsibility to that unknown woman, to provide my daughter with the love and the life she was not permitted to. I will honor that woman and think and pray for her on my daughter's birthdays and on Mother's Day.

Background

Apparently HotBliggityBlog.com is no longer in business. Nice to get a notification. I had to upload a new background. It's cute, but the middle part I am not crazy about. Anyone know how I can get the whole blog customized?

Woodsie has her baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My buddy Heather met her adorable Norah yesterday. Her referral pics had the same adorable pig tails. She is just too adorable for words. Congrats mama Woodsie!!!!

Magical Powers

Apparently I have them. The CCA^ was five days late in sending the stork so I put out a plea on FB to hurry the heck up. Within ten minutes RQ updated her site to say that some agencies received referrals. Abra Abra Cadabra...I wanna reach out and grab ya! They are up to April 17th. No surprise there. My prediction...up to April 21st in May and then our stork will land in early June. Just 9 weeks. I had a little happy cry today. It's feeling mighty real, and scary, and wonderful!

Someday a Mom

Someday a Mom

As a girl I had a common dream, to be a mom someday.

My baby would have eyes of green and hair the hue of hay.

But now my dreams have been transformed.

New visions fill my head.

Now the tresses that I long to stroke are raven black instead.

And in my dreams those eyes are not so big or blue or round.

Now in my dreams they're almond shape and colored cocoa brown.

And in my dream my arms can stretch across enormous seas.

They reach half-way around the world and hold you close to me.

As you grow in your mother's womb, carefully knit together,

Your also growing in my heart, where you will stay forever.

And in my dreams the moment that your mother says good-bye,I

'll be right there to comfort you and hold you as you cry.

Our features may not look alike; we're different as can be.

But still I know the father has created you for me.

And though I've not yet seen your face, or held your tiny hands,

And though we're half a world apart in very different lands.

I'll be right there to get you just as soon as God allows.

But til he says the time is right I give to you this vow.

I'll pray for your protection every night on bended knee

for God will hold you in his arms, until you're home with me!

The Paper Pregnant Wait

THE PAPER PREGNANT WAIT

An Ultrasound,
Or Referral.
Our first peek at,
Our boy or girl.

Some are Pregnant,
We're Adopting.
What's the Diff'rence.
Really Nothing.

Some come by Stork,
Some come by Plane,
When they arrive,
It's all the same.

Our boys and girls,
Despite the path,
Still need our love,
Our hugs and laughs.

We dream daily,
How she's doing,
What she looks like,
How she's feeling.

Is She Healthy,
And do they care,
Is she happy,
Or is she scared.

Do they hold her,
Rock her to sleep,
Do they give her,
Enough to eat.

I vent my fears,
Four words per line,
I let them out,
With words that rhyme.

We read the books,
On Week-by-Week,
On how she grows,
And best car seats.

I watch the clock,
And Calendar too.
Trying to guess,
When she is due.

Not for the day,
When she arrives,
But for the day,
She joins our lives.

Because one day,
Out of the blue,
Our girl is born,
Somehow we knew.

We are pregnant,
In our own way,
All celebrate,
"Forever Day".

Despite my fears,
I must have faith,
Warm and healthy,
I know she's safe.

How do I wait?
I've asked before,
The Paper Pregnant wait,
I'll wait some more.

Parenting Classes

Whew....good thing I took that class online. It was a very discounted class and I got what I paid for!

Why our referral is 3 years late

How I feel about having to wait one additional month

My nephew Greggy says it best.

Living Vicariously through....

I am blessed to have met many other waiting families along this journey, both locally and around the world. Some I have met in person, others I keep in touch with online and over the phone. I have several friends who got their referrals in early February who are in China right now. Congrats to Fliss, Heather, Mara, Pam and everyone else meeting their little girls! Kendra and Gina I can't wait to follow your journey next!

Here is a picture from gotcha day of Felicity, Mike and their little gal Shuana. Look at those cheeks! ( on the bottom)

And meet Mara, Chris and baby Hannah. I met Mara up in Alexandria, Virginia. Her agency messed up her log in date...they thought they were going to get the call this month, but got a surprise call in February. Best Valentine's gift ever!

Ugh....really?

Darn it. Darn it. Darn it. Spanish RQ says she thinks they will only get up to April 17th in April. I think only til the 21st in May, then we will be in for June. Well, my hopes for May are slowly going away. I have waited 47 months, what is 2 more?

What 47 months pregnant looks like....

Happy 47 month LID anniversary to me. 47 months (paper) pregnant! I am really popping now! Ok, so you can tell it's not me because of the teeny boobies....

Attachment and Bonding

Over the last 5 years we have been attending Families with Chinese Children waiting meetings. As a social worker for my adoption agency it is twice as important that I learn as much as I can about attachment and bonding with Internationally Adopted children. There have been attachment therapists who have provided us waiting parents some great advice on dealing with attachment. Alot of this I have heard before, but it doesn't hurt to hear it over and over again. For instance, as much as we want our family and friends to be able to hold and hug and kiss on the Cherry Blossom baby, this is a huge no no. The biggest piece of advice she could give is don't take any advice from people who only are parents to bio kids. How you raise bio kids and adopted kids is a 180 degree difference. I am already getting the deer in the headlight look when I tell friends and family that the Empress will be sleeping either in our bed or in our room for at least the first year. This goes against everything a bio child should do. Strollers are strongly advised against (though it isn't stopping me from registering for the Maclaren Kate Spade stroller I have been drooling over), they want her to be carried in a snuggli/carrier for as long as possible. No trips or vacations for the first year either, unless it's a quiet trip to see family and even then the babe needs to be within eyesight 100% of the time. Another must: limit stimulation-have very little toys around and keep the nursery-if you have one as she will be in our room-in minimalist style. Use red if you can, because that is the one color that is everywhere in China. Well, taupe and coral will have to do, though I will try to limit the amount of stimulation in her room. The most interesting thing she should have is us.

Why all of these crazy rules you say? The first year she is home, we must recreate for her what the first year would have been like if she was born to us. She needs to become totally dependent on us. Even if she is 18 months when she comes home and can feed herself, we can't let her. I know alot of people looking outside in will think us FCC parents are over protective, too uptight, somewhat nutso, but these things must be done in order to have a healthy toddler and a healthy adult later on. The thinking is she must go through all of her stages, even when we have to start at stage one.Some other interesting advice the therapist gave us:- Practice alot of eye contact, usiing mirrors if she won't look directly at you. Learn a few words in Chinese. While we are in China, she'll still have some familiar smells, tastes, ect...but once we get home, everything will be unfamiliar. Kinda like taking someone from Amish country and bringing them to Vegas by themselves. It would probably be frighteneing. If we speak some Chinese to her, she'll have something familiar to her. Exchange something of value for something the nanny or fostermom wore, so that she has that familiar scent around her. Buy a Chinese lullaby cd to play at night. When you hold her to rock her to sleep, cradle her in your arms so she can have that eye contact. Tell her that she had a story before she came in her forever home, she wasn't just adopted, she was born. On Mother's day, light a candle for fer birth mother. This will help deal with the grief she will always have.

FAQ

Funny, I get asked the same questions over and over. I am contemplating having a business sized note cards with all of my standard answers so I can just hand them out when I get asked questions. Actually, the questions don't quite bother me anymore. Most of the questions never do bother me. Every once in awhile I just want to look at the person, smack them in the forehead, walk away and say "shoulda had a V-8". It happened yesterday.

Fellow dance instructor: "How old will the baby be?"
Me: "As young as 6 months"
FDI: "Wow, will she speak Chinese?"
Me: "She won't speak anything seeing that she will be a baby"

Huh, he has a 3 year old kid at home, maybe he has a baby genius?

Ok....so here is a list of Frequently Asked Questions. Will try really hard to not be snarky. Can't promise anything since I am just so good at snark.
Why China? Oh boy. This is a loaded question. When we decided to have a baby, and had some trouble getting a bun in the oven we decided to go to China after a bit of research. When we submitted our application in 2005, China was the quickest route at just 10 months. Funny how life works isn't it? It took us 7 months to get our shit, I mean dossier, together. And at that point the wait was 18 months. At 18 months the wait grew to 2 years. Two years became 3, 3 became 4.......but 4 years and 2 months will be the end of the long winding road for us! Also, the children from China are relatively healthy. There is virtually no occurrences of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and the orphanages take fairly good care of the children.
Why not the US? This question is asked of me quite a bit. Sometimes with resentment. To be honest the more resentment I feel from the person asking, well...the shorter the answer. Most people are just curious and I will talk forever to them. Or until they run away screaming with their fingers in their ears or fall asleep. How am I doing on the snark? Oh, not so good, huh? Back to my answer. First, goes back to the health of the children. They have almost zero chance of having parents who smoke or drink. Second, the US is very much in favor of keeping families together. I just couldn't wait and wait for a child, then adopt them, fall in love, and have them change their mind. Third, in China we are matched with a child. In the US, you pretty much have to advertise and market yourself. There are many couples with more money, a bigger house, and who look more like an Abercrombie and Fitch (sp?) ad. The biggest reason? I have known in my heart since I was a teen that I would someday adopt from somewhere in Asia.
Why so long? Are you sure it's not a scam? No, it's not a scam. No, it's not my agency's fault. Everyone who had their dossier sent to China at the same time we did, with any agency, in the US, Canada, Australia, Norway and Spain (I know people in all these countries adopting at the same time), we are all in line together. One big ass long line that we are finally FINALLY at the front.

But you work for your agency, can't they "move you to the front"? That would be nice, but um, no. Besides, I am glad I am traveling with some really amazing people I have met along the way.

So, since you have been waiting 5 years is your kid 5? No. Some countries like Ethiopia, give you a referral at the beginning of the process, then you wait two to three years. I can't imagine having to look at her picture for that long.

How old will she be? Between 6-15 months.

Will you get a girl? We asked for a girl. But there is a very small chance we will get a boy. Very very small. I don't know of anyone who asked for only a girl and got a boy.
I heard they throw babies away over there. Geez Louise, I just cringed. I hate the way some people put that. These babies, yes mostly girls, are abandoned because of the government's "One Child" policy. When a child is abandoned in China it is most likely due to gender preference and poverty. The Chinese government introduced the policy in 1979 to alleviate social economic, and environmental problems in China, The policy is enforced at the provincial level through fines that are imposed based on the income of the family and other factors. Actually, most of the girls who are abandoned likely have an older sister still with her biological family. Families in China will try for a boy. If they have a girl, and then another girl, the second (and third and so on) are given up until they have a boy. This was a very interesting piece of information that I read in the book "Wanting a Daughter, Needing a Son".


So when can you go get her? We will have our referral either the first week of May or June. At that point we get her picture and information (location, height, weight, some developmental stage info). Six to eight weeks later we will travel to China for almost 3 weeks.

Why are you not supposed to get visitors after you get home? We want to meet her!!! We want you to meet her!! Short visits are ok. But, I'm sorry, we can't let you hold her right away. From a developmental perspective it is critical that D and I bond and attach to her as soon as possible. She will be taken from her familiar environment and shuttled across the globe to a strange place with people who speak gibberish (she won't understand English). She will be accustomed to having many babies around her and many different care givers. She will not have any idea that she is in a permanent home and will not know that we are the new parents and will not abandon her. Once we feel that she has attached well, we will be able to have her around others. We want our daughter to be an independent and strong individual who relates well to a lot of people. We have to first make sure she relates to us.

I am happy to add more FAQ at a later point!

Objects of desire

I have 99% of everything this kid needs til she is 5. Seriously. Thanks to my wonderful FCC (families with Chinese children) buddies, family and other pals, I can't even close the guest closet without kicking in the door. So I am really not "registering" per se. I did find a handful of essentials I still need (carrier, extra car seat, stroller) and some things I would love to have but not a "need" (diaper bag, cute toys, lullaby cd's). Since I don't know her age, and when I get her info I really won't know her developmental stage, I didn't want to register for much. But it's still fun to see all the really interesting stuff out there! I am not into cartoon stuff, Disney, ect. Thus...the U2 lullaby cd. I know, it's not all about me....

Birth Mother's Poem

She left you one morning
She had no choice.
In a country of millions
She had just one voice.

The law made it clear
One child would do.
To obey it would mean
No hope for you.

As she laid you down
Her eyes became blurried.
On saying goodbye
Said don't you worry.

Another will come
To take my place.
A mother will come
From a different race.

She'll hold you and love you
As if you're her own.
She'll take you away
To a brand new home.

She then ran away
Her heart broke in two.
Don't ever forget
Of my love for you.
Tom Fisher